The Pants Department: February 2013

Danny and his preschool class were going on a field trip today to Descanso Gardens. This was his first field trip ever. Ms. Medley, who communicates via the whiteboard placed outside the classroom, said parents should come if they could, that it was a lovely place to spend the morning.

I thought it would be fun to go along for Danny's first field trip, so I asked if I could bring Matty so I could come. When Ms. Medley said yes, I signed up.

Unfortunately, no email went around (they don't go around - perhaps a smart Ms. Medley doesn't want communication coming in along with going out) - and the time of departure was only up on the board one day last week during pickup. Preschool pickup is quite possibly the worst part of my life these days, since Matty's always being forced awake from a nap, cranky, angry, I have to carry him up a very steep hill because he refuses to walk, then he walks in all big waves and smiles, Danny gets jealous, they start fighting, I'm embarrassed, I have to rush them out without things escalating...so needless to say whatever I read on that whiteboard, I have forgotten immediately.

Danny and Dave left at 8:20 this morning, a little late, and on their way out I asked Dave to text me with the time they were leaving for the trip so I could head over. I turn on Matty's morning show so I can pack lunches for us and a diaper bag filled with many changes of clothes in case our potty-training Matty has an accident.

At 8:35 Dave texts they're leaving in 10 minutes. It takes 10 minutes to get to school.

Off goes the TV, which sends Matty into literal hysterics. Ever tried to change a hysterical toddler into clothes? I get him dressed and he's following me around the house, yelling in my ear "I WANT TO WATCH A SHOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!" I think he thinks I can't hear him as I'm rushing around packing lunches, so he just starts yelling louder. His nose is streaming, and he's yelling "I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY NOSEEEEEE." In the car, with 2 minutes to get to school, I use his Taggies to wipe his nose. "MY TAGGIES IS WEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWWWWW!!!"

We get to school in the nick of time, running in with me carrying Matt, whose eyes are so red he looks like he has the plague. Ms. Medley is calling out seat assignments one by one for rides over: "Garrett with Diego, Santiago with Selena, Maeve with Atticus...and Danny you go with your mom."

Danny then wells up with tears - "Why am I the only one who doesn't get a buddy????" - oh crap - I didn't even think of that?? So Danny is wailing on the floor, Matty is in my arms refusing to let me put him down (almost breaking my necklace when I tried).

The entire 20 minute drive to the place I'm struggling internally between 1 - apologizing for my mistake in causing understandable disappointment - Danny's the only kid who doesn't have a buddy on the way to his first field trip; and 2 - being angry that they are both such freaking pains in the neck!!!!!! Gah!!!

So we arrive and things are going well, the kids are happy and running around and Ms. Medley is a very good influence - the kids tend to cluster around her and listen when she's talking. But Matty is just not listening. He's running off like a maniac every few seconds. The problem is that I'm trying to be there FOR DANNY, and I always end up running after Matty. Which makes me feel terrible. So I let Matty run off and get the inevitable "Hey, your little guy is over there about to fall in the water/poking that duck with a stick/chucking handfuls of gravel in the water/eating somebody else's lunch/ripping branches off of that tree/setting a fire (only one of these is not true)" which I always hear as subtext: you are a bad mom, get your kid under control. And maybe I should just ignore them and stay with Danny but, well, I never, ever know what to do. And pretty much feel like I always get it wrong.

Matty finally comes over and says "I have to pee." I'm so proud, I pick him up, we're running towards the entrance to find a bathroom...and I feel a lot of ...WARMTH... coming from his bottom. Well, it wasn't pee that he had to do and he'd already done it. So we spend the next 10 minutes in a toxic waste cleanup situation (I just threw half of the affected clothes RIGHT in the garbage can, thank you very much), and leave to have the kids nowhere to be found. Great. So glad we could be at your first field trip Danny, disinfecting your brother while you just look around and don't see us, like always.

We finally catch up, which involves me carrying Matt, again, along with diaper bag and lunch sack (which, by the way, is filled with glass containers since I didn't have time to dispense into lighter carrying forms, and weighs probably 50 pounds). I'm dying. We're jogging up the hill towards little voices to find Danny.

Around the park, down to lunch, where nobody's happy with what I brought. Of course. Matt wants Danny's sandwich. Danny doesn't want his sandwich but doesn't want Matt to have it. Matt starts eating somebody else's lunch, and you know what, I ALMOST LET HIM. I think I would have if I didn't feel another mother's eyes on me. I sit down to finally try and talk to another mother for less than 5 minutes, to try to get to know somebody in this freaking school, and Danny is off with two other kids in the gift shop and Matty's perched on a rock trying to fish coins out of the koi pond. And licking his hands, of course. I only know this, mind you, because of the "Hey, your little guy is drinking water from the koi pond."

At this point I want to leave the kids there, just leave them there and let them find their own way home. Danny can ride with a "buddy" alright, called child protective services. And Matty can fall in the pool for all I care, he can become best friends with the koi and gather the money and use it to buy candy that he can eat all day long. I am exhausted and just done.

I pull Danny out of the gift shop and rescue Matt from near-drowning, and return to clean up their lunches, after which Danny runs over with a bag of candy. "Where did you get that?" I ask. "I'll show you" - he's lifted it from the little kiosk selling snacks. "Put that back" I say.

I soften a moment. (Psychotically.) "Maybe when we leave we can get you some chocolate, since I didn't pack anything for dessert."

The kids are gathering to leave, but we have the option to stay. "What do you want to do, guys, I ask?" "Stay!" they both say. As I'm yanking Matty away from the pond for the 14th time, Danny's friend Diego starts playing with his mom's iphone. 'I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR IPHONE!!!" starts yelling Danny. His teacher comes over to say goodbye, to which he responds "I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR IPHONE!"

"OK, that's it. Everybody's done. I think we should leave now." "Yes!" says Matty. "NOOOOO!!" says Danny. "I really want to stay!" Given.

[So here's the point where I should have taken them home. I get that - NOW.]

"OK, Danny this is your day, [and I feel so guilty for the buddy thing and not being able to hang with you] so we will stay for 15 minutes. Matty we are going to stay for 15 minutes to have a nice time together, OK? We are going to walk and listen to Mommy and TRY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THIS BLOODY GODFORSAKEN GARDENS START WALKING AND LOOK AT THE TREES AND ENJOY THEM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS DECENT!"

We get about five minutes in, Matty whining constantly that he wants to go home, and Danny starts flailing himself against a tree. "What is WRONG??" I say. OK, I probably yelled. "I WANT MY CANDY!!" "OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS YOU ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT CANDY RIGHT NOW. AFTER EVERYTHING AND THE IPHONE YOU DO NOT THINK YOU ARE ACTUALLY GETTING CANDY RIGHT NOW?"

I look up at that point, mid-yell and a woman is walking towards me with a very very warm smile on her face. She has a disabled son a little older than Danny. "You look familiar" she says. "I have one of those faces," I say, trying to be warm back even though I want to cry my eyes out.

"Is he typical?" she asks, pointing to Danny, who is screaming and flailing himself against a tree.

I drag both kids to the car.

I open the car door, Danny gets in.

I open the other side and as I'm lifting Matt into his seat, he whines, loudly, "BUT I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!"

I almost forgot, and how could I - so many of you chipped in for this!

OK, so when Dave turned 30 we all got him a grill... Asher and Wendy and I went to Sears, and got him this grill, and loaded it into their SUV, which they were a wreck about it fitting into, if I recall...but god bless them because that grill has seen some hard use. It's grilled, what - 4 million chicken legs? Gotten us through two dozen bbqs? 10 kids parties? It actually has a hole burned through it from some flaming salmon or something. Who knows. The thing was awesome.

So this year, Dave was making a little noise about a new grill, maybe a slightly bigger one. I guess with our new house, that old grill was looking a little tired. I get it. So cool. Perfect. Great present.

Homedepot.com, thank you very much, we'll have it delivered - how hard can it be? I've put together a bunk bed and like 72 pieces of kid furniture by this point. I have an engineering bent. No biggie.

I get a call from a shipping company saying they have a pallet with 137 pounds of merchandise they want to deliver to me...ummm....oh crap, what have I done?

The thing is delivered, in a box, and I can't even carry it (in pieces) up the stairs to the back yard. This is not good. The manual is filled with flaming universal signs for no and nearly 100 steps. Guh.

So, yes, I avoided it. For a while. But then last week, after picking Danny up from school, we all got down to work. Well "we" - the kids just tried to poke each other's eyes out with the tools.

But we did it, and it's a beautiful thing, for sure. This was literally the most challenging thing I have ever put together. I even connected the gas. I was very very proud. And you can see, I started at about 3 and ended at...